snake eyes

More from the 401. I’m heading home on the bus yesterday and as we stop to pick up some more carnies I find myself looking out the window at a big banner hanging from the eaves of the Gallows Road 7-Eleven; a longer, narrower, representation of the current marketing campaign:

I’m in! I don’t know which part of the three-pronged advertising attack convinced me of the need to hit my neighborhood 7-Eleven as soon as possible: the Slurpee, the collector’s cup, or the Spiderman 3 tie-in. Maybe it was all three…the synergy! Of course, I can’t leave well enough alone and decided to hit the 7-Eleven webpage to see what other goodies I could score on my next pilgrimage. As I navigated the page I began to wonder why 7-Eleven would need a webpage – not from a corporate point-of-view, but from the consumer aspect. Let’s see, the main categories on the homepage are: store locator, careers, franchise opportunities, and convenience card. In addition, there are tabs that include: products and services, news room, real estate, and “about 7-Eleven”. Let’s take a look at a few of these and review some consumer needs.

Store Locator – There are over 30,000 7-Elevens worldwide and I know most patrons use the World Wide Web to accurately and quickly locate the nearest store. I can’t count the number of times The Eleven has tried to sort out shopping plans and used the 7-Eleven homepage to make sure we went to the nearest store, “Hey baby, can you print out the Google Map directions to the nearest Slurpee palace in the 22203 zip code? Oh, and while you’re at it, can you also print one for the Patuxent River area 7-Elevens ‘cause I’m heading down there on Thursday.” I defy anyone to tell me they use anything but their eyeballs to find a 7-Eleven.

“About 7-Eleven” – Here’s a random Fun Fact that I can use at the pub quiz next week:

Big Gulp lovers gulp over 30 million gallons of fountain soft drinks per year at 7-Eleven. That's enough to fill 59 Olympic-size swimming pools.

I don’t know what to do with that. No idea. Is that one store? I'm not sure I'd believe it. Is that all they drink, cumulatively, around the World? I think they’re fibbing…have you seen a Big Gulp? Yes, I just did the math and 30 million gallons actually equal 45.4 Olympic-size swimming pools, and 59 Olympic-size pools equal 38.9 million gallons; conspiracy! What is more interesting is that those 30 million gallons equal 96 million 40oz. Big Gulps. Now that’s a Fun Fact.

Careers – The physical requirements for applying as a sales associate include “…constant standing, bending and reaching with a moderate amount of manual dexterity.” If I can look beyond the manual dexterity requirement, I think my shift selling scratch cards, Slurpees, and a few 40oz. Big Gulps will not only be a job but also my daily yoga workout: it’s a two-for-one.

Convenience Card – This baby works like cash. You put cash on the card and then use the card like cash. It’s like cash, but it’s not cash. What you do is take your sawbucks and convenience card down to the nearest 7-Eleven (you can use the World Wide Web to get a map, see above), insert the card in the machine, insert the Hamiltons in the machine, get your card back, and start shopping. While you’re fumbling with the machine, your card, and your ratty bills, I’ll just grab my hot dog from the roller machine, my Slurpee, my NYTimes, and hang around outside for twenty minutes fighting off beggers until you get your act sorted. There’s even a way to manage your convenience card online: Hibachi! I just use cash; it's like a card but it works like cash.

News Room – I imagined that I’d get a ticker of CNN-like headlines running across my screen when I selected this tempting morsel. Maybe I could get an RSS feed, sign up for email updates, watch a few videos of the Senate discussing the U.S. Attorney scandal, or some clips of Jeanne Moos cracking open another entertainment scandal, but I was wrong. This News Room contains only streamlined 7-Eleven weekly and/or semi-weekly (bi-weekly? semi-monthly?) ‘news’ releases that includes these teasers:

7-Eleven To Franchise for First Time in Home State, Birthplace of Convenience Retailing 80 Years Ago.

What’s the Buzz?

Shopping In A 7-Eleven Wonderland.

7-Eleven To Purchase 10 McKee Oil Company Convenience Stores.

I should click on the first one just so I know the birthplace of convenience retailing for my next appearance on University Challenge, but I think I’ll just try to suss out the answer when it comes up. I’m certainly going to consider that this mystery birthplace is probably at the intersection of two main streets, near public transportion, and in an urban environment.

Real Estate – No, it’s not foreclosures at discount prices, it’s the normal gobbley-gook about converting your store to a 7-Eleven, or what type of properties are best in the hot-growth markets. But it does include this trivia that probably should not only be in the ‘about 7-Eleven’ category, but is also a bit questionable,

“Customers know 7-ELEVEN® stores are the destination for unique, ‘first, best, and only’ products, like Big Gulp® and Slurpee®, -- and they know they can rely on us 24/7.”

I’ll let them slide on the Slurpee because that is some seriously new product – an icy, tangy, fruity, slushy drink. But the Big Gulp? It’s a huge cup. I don’t consider a huge cup to be a ‘first, best, and only product’. This morning I made each boy a big pancake instead of three little pancakes and I’m now claiming copyright on what I’m calling the Big Pancake®.

Of course, I’m well aware of the pot and kettle tone of the posting. My blog certainly has less to offer than the 7-Eleven Web site. In fact, my perusal has only made me more thoughtful about what my consumers need; I’m considering adding a mapping function to allow everyone to get directions to me from anywhere in America…come one, come all. And just like 7-Eleven, I need start selling some t-shirts.

T.