the influence of gonzales

It might not be fair to call it an influence so much as a realization that our Attorney General has the witnessin' ability of a ten-year old. (I’m averaging the ages of the boys.) Influence is defined as “the capacity to have an effect on the character or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself.” (OED). I suspect that H is the influence and Alberto Gonzales the influencee. You may ask how I could possibly think that AG2’s testimony was a studied dramatic piece learned from child. Well, I’ll just present the facts and let you decide.

As the boys were sitting at the table on Saturday night eating soup and corn scones, H asked G to pass him the butter. You’d think this could have been a straight forward table transaction but you’d be horribly misguided. As G passes the butter (and eventually the jam) to his bro’, he asks him if he also needs a knife. As background, I generally try to put out the proper silver for the boys to use at meals but they never seem to see it with their eyes – without fail, H gets up and wanders into kitchen hunting a feasting tool to use as a shovel. As usual on this lovely spring eve, H has already gone to the kitchen for a knife. G, who is unaware of H’s movements and who is holding the only knife that I’ve put out with the butter, appropriately asks “do you need the knife?”. The inappropriate response he gets slapped with is “I’ve already got one. What are you, blind?”. Sound the bell and let the fractious child moot court begin! Before we cover Attorney General Henry’s testimony you need to know that, unlike White House desires these days, X and I have overheard the entire conversation and have a near-perfect mental recording of what just happened. In the following court reporter excerpt X plays the part of Senator Leahy, and H reprises his award-winning turn as Alberto Gonzales.

X: Henry, what did you just say to your brother?
H: Nothing. I don’t remember.
X: You just said it. What do you mean “I don’t remember”? What did you say when he asked you about the knife?
H: Nothing. Well, actually, I said “Thank you, but I already have a knife.”
X: Henry, you did not. I heard what you said.
H: What?
X: Henry!
H: Well, I don’t remember what I just said…but it wasn’t bad!

And…cut!

I’ve heard there’s an internal investigation going on at DoJ and the Attorney General has been quarantined to his office. He hasn’t been able to confer with his deputies or listen to any of the other testimony that’s taken place over the last month. His preparation has been somewhat isolated. In fact, I think H has been sneaking to Justice and hanging with AG2 all day - showing him the ropes of Testimony 101.