sibilance sibilance. check 1, check 1 2 3

X has a thing against Crocs© and I have a thing against Bluetooth wireless earpieces (I don’t know if it’s copyrighted or trademarked or patent-pending, so it gets no symbol). Methinks the Croc-life comes from the same vat of stupidity that gave us the bandanna tied around the ankle/bottom of your jeans, circa 1982. By the way, I invented that look! I’m not kidding – I was all over the idea of untied hi-tops and bandannas while traipsing around Milford, IA back in ’81 and I have evidence to support it…somewhere. Would you question a guy who dyed a blonde streak along the right side of his hair? Would you question someone who wore spurs (real spurs!) and sawed-off cowboy boots to bars in Iowa City? I didn’t think so.

I can understand and support the idea of the Bluetooth earpieces: you’re driving, maybe you’re always busy, your career is as a day trader, you sit on the FISA court, or you deal in drugs and/or hookers…take your pick. The issues I have don’t even take into account the person walking down the street, talking to no one in particular, and confusing everyone else because we think you’re crazy – who cares?

The math is like this…assuming you are, in fact, a VERY busy person, and since that piece of Borg shrapnel is mounted stupidly in your ear, I would think you’d be on and off the phone almost non-stop. I’ll even cut down the non-stop to simply talking on the phone at least 25% of the time – every four times I see you, you’re talking. If we expand the control group to the ten people I see every time I’m out, I should see 2 or 3 of you communicating warrants for wiretaps, dealing dope, or trading penny stocks. What I see instead are ten goobers kitted out like Seven-of-Nine or Uhura while shopping for the latest season of Full House on DVD at Target. You look moronic. To (almost) completely paraphrase a line from Patton Oswalt, “…if you want to see what it’s like to be a tosser, stop by a Target on a Saturday morning and watch the broods of failure wander the aisles anticipating the next DEFCON alert change from NORAD via their ‘secure’ Bluetooth apparatus.”

X was frustrated but nicer…

Love to all. Really.