i just met donnie osmond's brother at the DFW airport

I got a text message from my friend, Buzz, and that title above is the complete transmission. There are any number of questions that arise from such a text.

First, was he walking through the airport, eyes up and alert to celebs, when he said to himself, “Why, I think that’s Donnie Osmond’s brother”? Or, did he think to himself, “My, my, what a massive set of smiley teeth. I wonder if that man is famous.” Under either of these situation, in order to determine who this might be, you’d have to approach him and query his lot in life (unless he’s just bullshitting me). With the former thought in your head, the answer from the “Osmond” would probably be, “Hey, yeah, I’m Alan Osmond, Donnie’s brother, nice to meet you”; or, “I’m only Donnie Osmond’s brother. Leave me alone.” Not likely. If the latter is the issue and you said, “Hey, are you famous?” He would have said something like “Sure am. I’m Alan Osmond. Nice to meet you. Who are you and why don’t you leave me alone.” Somehow, if any of these vignettes came to pass they were immediately translated, and transmitted to me, as “meeting Donnie’s Osmond’s brother.” What I also question is this: if he had told me that he’d met Jebediah Osmond at the airport did he think I wouldn’t be able to figure out that it was an Osmond brother? Did I really need the Donnie reference? Why couldn’t he be referred to as Marie Osmond’s brother? What about Jimmy Osmond’s brother? Wait, did he meet Jimmy Osmond? Granted, I can only rattle off Alan, Donnie, Marie, and Jimmy but that’s at least half of the clan, right? I have some Osmond skills. Speaking of which…

In my elementary school days I was a much bigger Donnie Osmond fan than Michael Jackson fan; though I did have three-ring binders with both on the cover. But I should also admit that I always felt that One Bad Apple, which I had on 45rpm and danced to all over my room, was much more Jackson 5-like than it was Osmond-like; sort of hard to tell the difference when you listen to it (apparently it was originally written for the Jackson 5). Well, take a listen…and a watch:



Those are some sweet moves and hot jumpsuits; channeling a later kung-fu Elvis. You might think that a white kid growing up in the flat Midwest would dream of being up on stage in a white, sequined jumpsuit and having the babies scream from beyond the stage. But, in my case, that wasn’t who I wanted to be in the early 1970s. Who I wanted to be, no question, was a Pip – plain-and-simple. I also had Midnight Train… on 45rpm and I remember watching Gladys and Pips on various variety shows when that wax was hot – mesmerized. There is nothing in this world cooler than being a Pip.


“I know you will…wooh wooh…”
(spin, step, slide, spin)

I’ll spare you the He Ain’t Heavy Osmond video. Man, I loved the Osmonds back then..

t

potting machine

(Sometimes you get archival stories...I keep them here for when I get old and crazy: read at your own risk)

I can’t believe it’s been eleven years since I hit the road with my friend, Buzz, for our first venture to the World Snooker Championships (we went the next year but it wasn’t the same staying in a cheap motel). About a year earlier I'd purchased an older Bedford caravan that looked a lot like this one with the intent of doing some caravanning around England; very English, indeed. Needless to say, the caravanning never happened and it mostly sat around – having completed only this journey before eventually being sold.

Way back in 1998, in order to attend the Embassy World Championships, I had to complete an actual paper application form for tickets; I’d mailed mine on the first eligible day in hopes of getting seats for the finish of the semi-finals on Saturday and the Sunday/Monday finals sessions (the second day of the final is always on the May Bank Holiday Monday). My ticket packet arrived a few months later and we were set – somewhat surprisingly – for all three days of snooker.

First, the Bedford. This little, old dinghy thing had the standard sleeping set-up with a dinette table turning into one bed and a second over the cab. The kitchen area had a small refrigerator (electric when in camp, propane when on the road), a two-burner stove, a small oven, and a radiator heater; all running on propane. If I remember correctly, we loaded up on Saturday morning with some bread, instant grits, eggs, milk, sandwich fixings, bottled water, butter, bacon, and Heineken: your basic guy weekend necessities. I also brought along the portable CD-player stereo since they didn’t apparently have stereos in Bedford caravans built in the 1980s. I stopped by Buzz’s to grab him – and his bevy of classic rock CDs – before heading out to the A1 and running north to Sheffield. The Bedford four-speed manual ran like a champ that day as we listened to some Sabbath (or any Sabbath family-tree band;believe me when I say I got a Sabbath family tree lecture) and imagined just how crisp the green baize would look when we entered the great Crucible Theatre.

The camp/caravan ground I’d found (I don’t know how…the Web was still a bit immature) was up the side of a steep and muddy hill on the northwest outskirts of Sheffield with nothing else around it. It took quite a bit of navigating to find - after driving past the bog at least once - and some quality driving to get the rig in and parked between the scrappy trees and mud. South Yorkshire is still a damp, cold place in late May and this was something we hadn’t really considered prior to the trip (see below: heater). The campground was probably half full with mostly tent and sleeping bag folks that were doing who knows what out in the cold and dirt. We had a power post for the caravan and a bathhouse about twenty paces away. Overall, it met our needs well enough since we were living large in the Bedford condo. I did feel a little bad each morning as we stepped from our warm cocoon – with the scent of toast and grits spilling out the door – and headed to the shower. The well-chilled and hardy north England campers would be hunched over small brews with hunks of stale meat in their medieval claws. Okay, not that bad, but it was dang cold in the mornings and I secretly admired their manliness as I ate my eggs and grits in the warmth of the camper.

Our first foray into the Crucible for the first Saturday afternoon session was amazing. The table is set in a pit so all seats have excellent views of the action; being that a snooker table is monstrous it shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise. You’ve got fully stocked food-and-drink vendors that ply a vast selection of sausage and/or ham sarnies and pints of beers – manna for snooker fans. Each session, which runs eight frames, can take anywhere between 75 minutes (if Ronnie O’Sullivan is playing) to 3 hours (if Steve Davis is very slowly ambling around the table). You can come and go between frames if you need to top up on beer but the place is absolutely quiet during play with only the occasional eruption of applause at difficult pots, great safety play, completion of a frame, and century breaks. We attended seven sessions over three days and watched on Monday night as John Higgins won it all for his first World title. We also managed, prior to Saturday’s play, to get then reigning World Champion Ken Doherty’s autograph as he entered through the player’s entrance. Damn snooker groupies.

Here’s what we learned on our first night of camping in the Yorkshire hills. The drinking of a good numbers of beers, playing Crib Golf, and listening to the Jerky Boys while sitting in a caravan in the north of England can be hilarity; maybe not to everyone, but trust me, it was stupid hilarious to a couple of half-loaded snooker followers. We were perfectly happy as our little heater kept plugging away and keeping us warm from the howling English winds while we played round after round of Crib Golf. The other thing is this: even though it feels nice and toasty when bed time arrives at 1am, don’t turn off the heat because you think you’ll be “warm enough” through the night. The Bedford is just a big sheet of aluminum bent into the shape of a box and boxy aluminum isn't warm. I was sleeping above the cab and Buzz was on the dinette-configured-as-a- bed and by about 3am it was freezing cold. Of course, neither of us were initially willing to get out from under any covers to save ourselves. I eventually, against the will of my shivering bones, managed to climb down and fire up the heater. Needless to say, the heater was hard at work all through our second night of camping.

By the time everything wrapped up Monday evening, with Higgins besting Doherty 18-12 in the final, we were packed up and ready to head home to East Anglia. We gassed the Bedford up, pointed south, and managed to make it home safely as the clock neared midnight. We made the trip up again in 1999 and 2000 (only having tickets for the Saturday semi-finals in 1999) but the Bedford was long gone by then. It didn’t have anything near the same feel as 1998 because we were limited to bars and the local Happy Eater for drinks and food – if you’ve never been to a Happy Eater in England, you don’t know garbage food from nothing. Looking back on that weekend in 1998 it was probably as much fun as you can have at a sporting event. I was at the Caps playoff games last year, and it was pretty amazing, but my love of snooker combined with a smaller venue and a crappy camper easily put it up at the top.

Maybe if the Caps win the Cup at Verizon this year I'll change my mind. Even with that, I might need to rent a camper and sleep out on 7th and F St. the night before to get it over the top.

da plane, da plane

I wandered through the old Clarendon ‘hood yesterday because I needed to stop at La Chapparel Latino market to snag some queso fresco for the Anaheim and pablano chile stuffed enchiladas (most excellent, if anyone’s asking). The market has a small space just off the front of the store that used to house the wine with occasional wine tastings and Flamenco dance lessons on summer Saturday afternoons. The wine and ruffles have now been replaced by Boccato Gelato (they also do coffee but I can’t remember the coffee par of the name. Both the market and the gelato are just east of Wilson Blvd. and N. Edgewood, across from Whole Foods). The market owner told me that’d simply rented out the space to the new company and let them run down their own path. It’s a small place that’s full when there are six folks standing in line for service but it’s well worth the wait. They’ve got an excellent selection of gelato – which in my book, is way better than any ice cream ever made – and the price is respectable ($4.25 for two scoops). Fortunately, I had five bucks in my pocket because they don’t yet accept credit or debit cards. I went with one hit of pistachio and one hit of hazelnut; I’m nothing if not a nut-driven gelato guy. What they appeared to be missing were pans of fior di latte or riso, which are the classic Italian gelatos; if you can do those well, you’re golden. As I was paying my tab and heading out I noticed that the manager (or owner?) was wearing a Bottega Italiana t-shirt. Bottega Italiana is just around the corner from Pike Place market in Seattle and Sarah and I had some great gelato there a few years back; I’ve always remembered the quality there and I wonder if he’s spun off from Bottega or maybe the he’s the owner who’s decided to move east and expand. I’ll corner him next time and get the scoobies.

I learned this week that 2009 marks the 30th anniversary of the music CD. From what I gather, 1979 was the “date” of invention but the first release in stores wasn’t until 1982 (it was an Abba’s last studio album, Visitors). What’s interesting about the CD – by the way, a good bit of this was exposed to me by the Sound Opinions podcast – was that the CD enabled the music industry to continue to thrive for two decades, at just the point where it was probably beginning to sag. I think they said that something like 3.5 billion CD have been sold and a good chunk of that number must be made up of people repurchasing albums they already owned. If you think about everyone turning their album collections into CDs, it’s pretty mind blowing. Of course, it also unwittingly marked the beginning of the end for the big labels; the technology opened the door for every thing we see today. Quite an anniversary, eh?

My friend Buzz was in town last week and came over to the wilds of NoVa Friday afternoon. The two of us took in the Udvar-Hazy Air and Space Museum that afternoon – absolutely no crowds – he spent Friday night at the house, and we did some D.C. things early Saturday morning before he headed to BWI for his flight back to Dallas. The two funniest bits of the visit involved planes and pizza. First, the planes. For a couple of retired Air Force flyers, we know precious little about historical plane identification. Sure, we can point to a sleek, black jet and scream out “SR-71”; or look at a huge white vehicle and say “Space Shuttle”, like a couple of simpletons. Everything else? Good luck. As we’re walking around the place and spying any prop-driven WWI or WWII plane we’re just blowing out smoke saying things like “Is that a P-46?” – basically just adding any number to the letter “P” and trying to sound intelligent. I think every volunteer tour guide (usually someone around 60-years-old, British, and a plane watcher) just flinched as they listened to these two yobs babble on and on. Of course, it didn’t help that at every turn all Buzz could add to the conversation was a loud declaration, “Didn’t Pappy Boyington fly that?” What a couple of yucks.

Pizzagate didn’t arrive until about 8 pm as I’m pulling handmade pizzas out of the oven. I was admittedly running a little late and the natives were just bitchy: “I’m hungry”, “I’m dying”, “Hurry up.” The first thing I learn from X and Buzz, as they conversed like I wasn’t there in the kitchen, is that my only job is to cook the damn food and have it on the counter when they’re good-and-ready to eat. They don’t care if it’s cold because there’s a microwave right over there and they know how to work it – monkeys do have fingers. Apparently, I’m the only one interested in timing the meal so it arrives warm and luscious – they, are infidels. The second part of pizzagate was this: I made a full sheet beef, pepperoni, and black olive pizza; and a normal, square veg pizza for the Eleven. Here’s what I figured: Buzz is manly man from Texas, via North Carolina, and he wants meat on his pie. So, I make an extra large pie so he and the boys can eat away at the monstrosity. I dish up two big pieces for him to eat – which he sort of does – until he finally spits out that he’d rather have the veggie pie than eat the very subtle kid’s pizza. Well, whaddya know? Maybe you should say something instead of crying on the inside…think about that. Fortunately, there was some veggie left and he managed to eat a piece whilst still crying about this-and-that and already being full – like I need these two in my kitchen. Good for nothings…

I’ll let you go for know; consider yourselves updated.