Monday, November 19, 2007

deal, or no deal

There are a bunch of scantily-clad model types on chorus risers – each fondling a silver briefcase. What do you do? Not only that, you’ve got crazy Howie Mandel freaking out in your face; you’ve got your crazy ‘family’ telling you to go just one more round. It’s amazing.

This isn’t so amazing. You can buy a hairbrush that runs $130...or you can take that buck-thirty and go elsewhere. Here’s what you get for that outlay…

$100 on the Patriots to cover the spread and beat the over/under over their first 10 games (they’ve done both for every game) ~ $2,240 after the book’s grease is removed.

18 bottles of my tea tree shampoo.

Eight-month membership with (about 720 songs or 60 full-length CDs.)

One ticket to a Redskins game.

130 pints at $1 pint night. Tips not included.

About 35 minutes of X shopping at Nordstrom Rack.

4 tickets to the New Pornographers show at the 9:30 Club.

13 pair of Stephon Marbury’s new kicks.

26 weeks of the boys’ allowance.

Weekend lift ticket out around Tahoe.

One tank of fuel for a Hummer, maybe.

13 dime bags, officially speaking.

Two seasons of Deadwood on DVD.

In reverse – a day working the polls in Virginia.

23 tickets to the first concert I ever saw: Kiss and Uriah Heep at the Omaha Civic Auditorium in 1976 - $5.50 per.

One-fifth of the cost of X’s jumbo suite at the Silver Legacy (2004) in Reno. (I got a parking garage kiss for my troubles.)

Two trips to Whole Foods: four bags, total.

$130 on your SmartTrip card for the Metro.

26 weeks of the Sunday NYTimes, tax excluded.

21 Martinis (tip excluded) at the Metropolis in B’boro.

15 tickets of embarrassment at the theater in B’boro.

Some number or other of annual food for Sally Struthers' kids.

Nothing, if it’s an Oprah gift.

40 cans of San Marzano tomatoes – bingo!

9 months of Netflix.

You get the idea. Choices….as they say.

I’ve used the brush. It’s a damn nice brush – hair of spun gold.

"That's a damn good milkshake."


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