what is it sebastian? I'm sorting matches

I don’t know that I’ve ever before mistakenly returned one of my DVDs in place of a rental, hard to know in hindsight. I do know that on Sunday evening I grabbed three DVDs to return to my local; one was late, two were on-time, if you care. I took a good long look at the three movie covers with a certainty unlike any other: Brother Bear II (boys’ movie), Miss Potter (X), Music and Lyrics (the Eleven). Unfortunately, it wasn’t actually Music and Lyrics in my hand but another movie that X has recently purchased at Target – here’s where it gets funny and wherein my defense is held.

As you sit at your computer reading my ramblings, I’ll like you to imagine the following movies, their plots, the acting, and etc.:

Music and Lyrics, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Love Actually, About a Boy, Notting Hill, Nine Months, Four Weddings and a Funeral, The Englishman Who Went Up a Mountain, Two Weeks Notice, or Mickey Blue Eyes

Even if you haven’t seen all of them you can play along. If you’ve seen only one of the films then I ask you to suspend your disbelief one more time, for just a second, and transfer Hugh Grant from the one movie you know…and place his character in any of the other movies. Exactly the same movie, trust me. It just like when you hear a DJ announce the first spin of a new Neil Diamond song on the radio and you’re wondering just what it will sound like. Well, it’ll sound like every other Neil Diamond song. Do you know why it’s so easy to start a Neil Diamond tribute ‘band’? You only have to don some sequins and learn one song. Sorry about that. What happened in the DVD return event was that I grabbed her newly purchased Love Actually instead of Music and Lyrics – it seemed like right movie, it felt like the right movie. I realized the error of my ways last night and X took the right DVD back this afternoon and explained the situation to the store manager (who, by the way, is a really good guy). He gave a nod of understanding as X explained the confused Hugh Grant syndrome that her ‘boyfriend’ is trying to overcome. It was sometime during this rambling explanation, probably about the time she said Hugh Grant, that Don started nodding in empathy. He’s seen it all. He’s a profession DVD purveyor. He understands the Hugh Grant vortex. I think it happens all the time – they probably have a checklist at the video store:

1. Are you holding a returned Hugh Grant DVD with no Blockbuster sticker/ code? Go to step #2.

2. Is it a modern movie setting with a loveable flop-top?
Yes go to #5.
No to #3.

3. Is it an older English-y movie setting with a loveable flop-top?
Yes go to #6.
No go to # 4.

4. It must be a copy of Extreme Measures. No worries – no one will return to claim his action movie repertoire. If it's not a copy of Extreme Measures, go to step #9.

5. Check our stock of the following, if it’s one of these, go to step #7.

Music and Lyrics
Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason
Bridget Jones’s Diary
Love Actually
About a Boy
Notting Hill
Nine Months
Four Weddings and a Funeral
The Englishman Who…
Two Weeks Notice
Mickey Blue Eyes

6. Check our stock of the following, if it’s one of these, go to step #8.

Remains of the Day
Sense and Sensibility
Restoration
Sirens
Lady and the Highwayman
Impromptu

7. Hugh Grant film was rented by a girl/girlfriend/wife and returned in haste or confusion by the significant other. She’ll be back. Checklist complete.

8. Hugh Grant film was rented by a girl/girlfriend/wife and returned in haste or confusion by the significant other. He’ll be back – it’s not so embarrassing to watch these films. Hey, it’s kind of like history and whatnot. Checklist complete.

9. Make sure it’s not a non-Blockbuster DVD starring Renee Zellweger (her movies are also the same). If it is, and it probably is, go to #10.

10. Leave it in the stockroom box with other copies of Extreme Measures, the early Cusack collection, the Zellweger whiny movies, and the Sandra Bulluck cute girl repeat-role movies. We donate them to charity. Checklist complete.

Good evening.

T.