Monday, October 03, 2011

man with gun

I bag my own groceries; we all understand this fact. I was at TJ’s yesterday, doing what I do, and the cashier is hell-bent on my dozen eggs and where I’ve decided is their final resting place. Trust me - the eggs were fine in their vertical position at the top of my well-strong reusable bag. She was overly worried that they might fall out. What happens if they fall out? What? Nothing. They won’t fall out, I’ve got this wired – and, I’m not going to be swinging my bags around above my head as I amble to the car. She’s really worried about this; so worried that she pulls out a wine bottle paper bag and offers to put that around my dozen eggs. Thanks, that’ll help if I get mowed over by a truck – which is the only thing that will cause a breakage of my eggs.

I then stopped at another grocery store to pick up ice (for Tom Collins-es at Pizza Night), and lunches for the boys. (They like these 90-second meals that cost about $1.50 each.) I’m a pre-scanner at this store – you sign up for a program, you get a scanning gun that lets you scan and bag your goods, and then you walk up the self-checkout lanes, and fire away.* I get to the lane and attempt to make the final scan of the account closing barcode at the register and my suddenly my gun dies. Not the oft-malfunctioning death, the actual no power death. Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus. Now I have to remove my 12, $1.50 lunches, and 5 lb. bag of ice and scan this crap. Needless to say, the clerk who sort of mans the self checkouts can see that I’m a wee pissed off at this development. She wisely stays away. As I start zipping the lunches over the scanner and down the belt, the fucking machine stops after about six and ‘lets me know’ know something: “The bagging area is full, Please bag items before continuing.” What? Now I’m really irritated – six microwave lunches, and it’s full! The clerk wanders nervously to my lane and starts to pull some of the items off the highly technical, weight-sensing, NASA-produced, piece-of-shit belt so that I don’t kill someone. I start scanning again and super whipping things the eight feet to the end of the ‘bagging area’ mere milliseconds after she removes her in-danger hands. She quickly backs away and returns to the security of her podium. Damn right. I finish scanning, walk down, re-bag my loot, and shoot her a look of ‘crazy old man’ as I depart, stage right.

Am I wrong?

*By the way, there should be two lanes just for us gunslingers. As it is, there are six lanes that any smoothbrain can use for self checkout. I don’t have time for ‘Bob’ to ponder using self checkout and then spending HOURS trying to weigh and enter codes for his produce. You can do that crap in the produce section, where they have the scales and stickers, and save us all a lot of heartache.

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